what the fuck is going on? i’m just getting in the car.
it appears so quickly, so unexpected but its effects are long lasting.
you know when you’re driving and the car in front of you stops so suddenly you slam on the breaks, that moment where your body is being hurled back and forth, that moment when you’re completely out of body?
that’s what happens to my life.
first, i begin turning down invitations. a trip to the mall? it can wait.
then simply driving somewhere gets my stomach in knots.
the back of my neck burns, it burns for days.
then the racing starts - day and night my heart pounds away.
i can’t focus on anything but the *boomboomboomboom*.
i try and pin point whats causing this - did i eat too much sugar? do i have a brain tumor? do i have terminal cancer? do i have diabetes? am i dying?
then the obsession.
the first thought to cross my mind is what i obsess.
i feel out of body? then i MUST be out of body.
all day my mind obsesses. i know rationally i’m obsessing, as much as i try, as much as i plead, as much as i cry, as much as i just want to STOP OBSESSSING, i can’t.
i’ve been defeated yet again, my brain can’t produce a simple chemical, it refuses to send a simple message: “This is an irrational, impossible thought”.
i’m thrown into the midst of the battle again.
why do i have to deal with this fucking shit? why do i have to have so much shit happen? why cant i be normal for once in my fucking life? why must i once again be an outsider?
i’m not carefree, i’m not a normal 16 year old.
driving with people i don’t know causes panic attacks.
the thought of leaving my dad for too long causes non-stop worrying.
i want to have fun, i want to not give a fuck.
i hate anxiety, i hate fear, i hate ocd, i wish someone else had to deal with it all.
i’m mad at God. i’m pissed at Jesus. how can you be so great, how can you create so many miraculous things, but i simply cant catch a fucking break?
i guess i’m trying to say that i’m struggling hardcore. i’m up and down all day. i need hugs and loving more then ever right now; so if you see me please make me smile, please pull me out of my shell for a brief minute so my mind gets a break.
i hated her for no reason. i hated her because my friends hated her. i was cruel to her, i said so many cruel things about her. i let what happened to others affect my perception of her. when i was crying in the bathroom, she hugged me. she asked if i was okay, she was there for me and she doesn’t even know me.