i saw you with them. and i heard your voice, and your laugh, and for once i realized how much better off i am without you, how much hurt you caused me, how you don’t deserve me and how i deserve better. and it felt fucking great.
“Even though ‘I’ve stopped liking you’, every time someone mentions your name, my head turns right towards them. It’s like every time I hear it, I think of all that we could have had and all that could have happened that didn’t.”—(via iflovewontchangeyourmind)
i don’t remember our last conversation. i didn’t memorize it. it hasn’t left an imprint in my mind. i do remember that it was brief, meaningless, the opposite of the affect you had on me. if i knew you were going to leave me, change who you were, leave behind someone who cared so deeply, if i knew you were going to ruin my year, if i knew you were going to make me question what we had, if i knew my world was going to be turned upside down yet again, i think i would’ve laid everything on the table for you. if i did that would you have still left? would you still walk by me in the hallway like we’re strangers? would you still leave someone who loved you with everything they had like it was nothing? i needed you, i needed you so badly, and you left. i will forever hate you for leaving, but i cannot stop loving you. i cannot stop thinking about you.
To the core. To the place where it hurts to breathe. To the deep part in my soul where I feel the size of a grain of salt. To the darkness of never ending cries. I get physically sick. I become weak, vomit, I feel defeated. Tonight is one of those nights. A weekend of tears, sadness, of just plain missing her voice, her smell, her embrace ends with physical exhaustion. Tonight I feel like tomorrow won’t come. But I will wake up and put on a happy face because I need to live because if I stop living for more than a few hours the grief will win.